Day 5 (01/15/2026)

I think I’ve finally have reached a point in which the I move without much thought, as if my body has taken over the will power that was in a raging battle within my mind.

That’s why I felt at peace yesterday…and now I understand the unease I felt as well…I was uneasy because once the routine is over…once I no longer am required to be outside of my head…I return to a place where I still do not feel adequately safe. Some days it feels like a prison…trapped in an endless cycle of thought…other worldly pressure…it feels isolating as if I am the only one that feels this way…the feeling of being not just physically alone but mentally as well is daunting. I don’t require much in life to be happy, but to feel useful, to be of use are definitely required. However, I think my perspective needs to change…instead of being useful to someone, I should be useful to myself…instead of being of use to someone I should be of use to myself.

I need to take care of this body, the only one that I have. I think I heard someone say recently that if you were able to switch your body with someone for a week and they are a loved one, a close friend, or anyone you deeply care about. How would you treat their body? Would you treat it the same way you treat your own? Or would you take care of it to the best possibility.

I need to take care of my body, my mind, my soul. Not because that’s all I have to rely on, but if I’m unable to rely on myself, then how could anyone ever truly rely on me. It doesn’t mean I need the physique of a Greek god, or a roman soldier, or a spartan. It means, can I play with my future kids, and I live long enough to see them get married and have their own, it means can I live a fulfilling life.

I believe these journals, at least from within the morning are becoming shorter…mostly because the turmoil within my own head the moment I awake is dampening…growing quieter…and I’m enjoying that. I will stay strong and keep true to my goal with these journals…to document my journey moving forward from probably one of the worst experiences I have felt since I was a young kid.

I do believe that I will have strong days, weak days, and some days where things are just okay…and that makes me okay…it shows growth. I accept who I am…who I want to be.