The Morning

I woke up at first feeling optimistic about the day, the next easy thing was the first thing in my mind…until it wasn’t. It was like blood rushing to the outer extremities 

after coming into the warmth of your home after a freezing cold day. Memories of her…the good…the bad…the breakup…”what could I do to fix this?” 

I would pinch my arm as a way to snap myself out of that type of thought.

I don’t need to focus on “fixing” my relationship with her right now…that should have been done while with her…I should have seen her pain even when in the next morning she’d say “ohhh it’s okay I think it was just my…” xyz… reasoning…maybe she was protecting me from myself…maybe she didn’t want me to feel like I was being nagged day in day out…but I genuinely thought nothing was wrong…

I need to focus on fixing my relationship with myself…so that in the future those situations either never happen, or if they do I understand how to resolve them. If boundaries are set…then stand on ground with them…if someone points at a problem that they see… don’t get defensive, ask them how it’s bothering them, and if it’s a trigger from their past ask how you can at least help mitigate that trigger…wait till the water is calm again…and don’t prod by asking “well that seems like something you could work on yourself too right?” in a condescending tone…obviously what she has pointed out is not only a problem for her but also a problem you seem to be running away from…or it doesn’t look like a problem to you because you’re just having too much fun with your addiction…because you’d rather not do the right thing…

Learn to choose the more important thing…the right thing. It doesn’t mean throwing away any hobbies, but it might mean learning new ones so if a future fiancé/wife wants to be able to sit and relax together or watch a show you don’t enjoy, and isn’t expecting you to pay attention fully, then pick up a book, write things down like this, or maybe if you just really don’t feel like sitting down and you want to engage your brain…ask her if she wants to go out..maybe for a walk and talk, maybe to go to that restaurant she’s been asking about even if you had already agreed to eat out less…

Learn to be an adult, that sometimes doing the thing you don’t want to do is the right thing to do…learn to not expect to be loved the way you weren’t loved as a child…learn to love yourself…

Yet here I still sit…thinking about her…”How do I win her back…?” You don’t…win yourself back… “Should I break no-contact? It feels like an imaginary thing that we tell each other to hold onto hope? Maybe one of us will break no-contact?”…contact a friend…a family member instead…I’m addicted to her attention…her texts, her phone calls, her face times because she was my world…she was my best friend, the person that I always talked to/with, and the only time I didn’t talk to her is when I gamed with friends/family…so maybe my brain and body are coming off the addiction…wanting that fix…”But what’s wrong with wanting someone to love you, for someone to be affectionate towards you again, if you just called and poured your heart into her she would definitely take you back?”…Maybe…Maybe not…but is that the right thing for her to take me back in the first place? Would I want her to take me back or do I just want to hear the words… “it’s over”…I feel like I’m holding on because we said “no-contact for at least a month or longer”…will I be in a better place by then…be able to speak clearly…will I relapse and crave her attention the moment I send that text because “well it’s been a month”… and then she responds … maybe positively … maybe negatively…maybe not at all…

The next right thing to do…make my bed, it doesn’t require much thought because I’m a heavy sleeper that doesn’t move a ton so the sheets are pretty much undisturbed…I can just roll out and fix the corner and well…I’m done…no longer am I having to take off most of if not all the sheets because she had kicked them to the bottom or even to the ground, no longer are the ends at the bottom completely untucked…for some reason it felt like less of a hassle…I was more willing to do it now…but why not then…maybe because I was still acting like a kid…how about you fix it I’d say it in my head…you sleep like a monster… “how is the most bottom layer that’s usually tucked as much as possible coming up and exposing the actual mattress” I’d always tell her…acting like a kid who didn’t want to clean someone else’s mess…instead of being willing to just help…to just do the easy thing because it was slightly more inconvenient then what I was used to…

The next right thing…almost without thought I got my tooth brush and put some paste onto it, started brushing…no reminiscing at this time…not feeling like I would be shamed if i didn’t do it…shamed…no…she felt it was disgusting to her, because my breath would smell bad if I didn’t…I don’t know why but it almost felt like she was calling me disgusting…she wasn’t…she she was concerned for my well being…I was doing it because it was becoming just easy to do…easy to remind myself to do it…the right thing to do…and I didn’t just have to sit in the bathroom while I brushed, I went to my office to read through my list I had prepared from the night before of things I needed to get done today…onto the next right thing.

The Gym

I finally made it into the gym…one where she and I used to go to…the one she and I researched and found together…but now I have some sort of sense of relief…where earlier in the week I had gone with the intention to just move my body in any way possible…but now I felt a little bit prouder…shoulders tucked a little bit back…no longer holding back tears…I’m going to reclaim this environment…not to get into the best possible shape, not to become physically attractive, not to get back at her, but for one purpose…to live a better life…a healthier life. 

I had to remind myself why I originally started a health journey before she and I met…because one day when I was playing outside with my nieces and nephews at a staggering weight of 360 pounds…I found myself gasping for air…simply by playing kick ball between my niece and nephew and I…I remembered what I thought to myself in those moments…this is not who I am meant to be…I want to be a father…and not one that can’t get up and play with his kids…not one that can’t go hiking, or can’t play catch and run for a ball that was over thrown, not a husband that can’t go on extended walks with his wife, that can’t go on hikes with family and friends…

I had to remind myself that I’ve lost 100 pounds not because of her but despite her…that I was always doing this for myself…that I was always on my own journey and even if at times I had latched my own physical health to hers…that was not healthy…it was a dependency on spending time with that person instead of learning to spend time with myself in a healthy manner…I wasn’t doing the next right thing…and I blamed it on her.

I made it to the treadmill where I listened to a heartbreak podcast just to fill the air with noise…too scared to turn on music that might trigger memories of seeing her across the gym smiling and waving at me, too scared of listening to that song we listened to on repeat on long car rides…too scared…

So instead I listened to a therapist that specializes in heartbreak…who encouraged growth, encouraged to move on in a healthy manner, to look at oneself with a little bit of grace and gratitude that you were able to make it through the first day, and second, and the next…to be at a point to where I am at this moment.

And the next thing I knew I looked up from the face that was on my phone telling me to be gracious, and noticed I had already been walking for nearly an hour…and realized the groceries I had ordered right before leaving were about to arrive at my door step…

Home 

I quickly raced inside, the drive home was pretty numb, a few angry sighs, a few slaps on the wrist to get myself out of dark thought, and then quiet…peace…and the voice from my phone continuing to talk about how to continue growing…as I listened to his voice I was able to gather strength to look into the fridge that was a mess…before when I was single I always kept it pretty empty…the fewer condiments in the side door the better…the fewer random sauces/left overs that went bad/empty pickle jars the better…I hadn’t realized how really dirty it was until now…because I compromised away my original goal of when I moved into my apartment alone, when I was finally able to live on a clean slate…I wanted to be minimalistic…not so much so that I looked like I was in a prison…but I didn’t want things in my life that didn’t have a purpose…I didn’t want clutter that I would have to move to clean, or be confused on what was in the fridge or be overwhelmed that I would rather just eat out or order in…simplicity was my goal…

Did I compromise my lifestyle away? Even though most things in the apartment were clean when she and I lived together…they started to become cluttered, and a little more dirty…maybe I had reverted back to the way I treated my siblings or family members because they were the ones I had lived with for most of my life…”It’s your mess you clean it” I would think a lot of the time…the floors I would have to sweep/mop maybe 1 every other week because I lived on my own and dust would slowly accumulate until it was noticeable…but then with her hair, her dog, her things that collected dust on top of counters or corners made my simple life of cleaning that much harder…Maybe I wasn’t ready to have someone live with me yet…because the space was still mostly empty…I hadn’t lived in it as my own and instead it quickly became our space…and in reality…her space…what was my space…the only thing that mostly stayed the same…my office…in which I’m typing this right now…a place that still felt safe from clutter…a place that didn’t feel like my childhood? No…because I would run away to my safe space as a child…and this is my safe space…but so should my entire apartment…I shouldn’t feel afraid to be in my living room…my kitchen…my bedroom…I was afraid because I was acting like a child…

So quickly I began cleaning out the fridge…everything must go…until the trash bag felt like I was breaking my back to put it over my shoulders and hall it to the dumpster…one less mess…one less reminder of who I became…no this is who I was…unwilling…unable to do things on my own…a child…and now it’s one more reminder of who I must become…a clean slate, someone that I can mold into the husband, the father, the partner I want to be.

The door bell rang and I quickly brought in the groceries, simple meals, chicken strips w/ broccoli and potatoes, and of course Mexican style burritos for my meals this week. Starting with something simple…to get me back in my kitchen just that little bit more…to cook for myself without worrying that someone will judge me…no she loved when I cooked for her…I would just make the same things over and over again…like a child…I really do think I had reverted into who I was before the relationship…a child…scared to grow…so now was a time to grow…to make the kitchen a safe place…a safe place to be curious…and make new things…because that’s the right thing to do…to be creative.

But I must start with baby steps…so simple meals this week will do…simple steps to grow, recover, to heal. 

Fixing the problems

After finally getting everything cleaned in the fridge and filled with the new meals for the week, placing the fruits in their rightful fruit bowl place to brighten the space with color, things began not feeling as empty anymore.

So I began fixing the next right thing… the right thing…

Part of this was to heal a gnawing issue in the back of my head…”Tape down the cords, tape down the broken floor boards that are in the door way” she would say…and I would neglect…because to me they weren’t that big of a deal…I was acting like I was single…but I knew if I was single and inviting someone over I’d want to make the place look nice, so why did that stop…maybe I grew comfortable in it…maybe I was pushing a boundary of cleaning because I was acting like a child again…and her acting like my mom telling me to do chores…I can see why I ended up in this situation…so no more…I need to continue doing the right things…not because someone might come over, not because I don’t see it as a big deal…but because it’s the right thing to do…

So as I was patching the floor boards to not look as obviously broken, and taping down my ethernet cables that led to my office along the bottom corners of the wall…it felt like I was patching a bad memory once again…it felt like I was cleaning my fridge of all its clutter and useless condiments that weren’t used for months…becuase I allowed it to get into that state…no more…no more letting myself go…, I’m fine with a space being brightened up, or feeling like someone actually lives there, I’m fine with a place having personality and brilliance to it, but no more messes getting away from me if I have the time, and even if I don’t have the will power…it’s the next right thing to do.

Showering

After a workout and fixing my apartment up just a little bit at a time, taking the trash out and replacing the bag right away…I noticed I was starting to sweat almost as much as I had right when I got back from the gym…so the next easiest thing…shower…

I had bought myself a new bottle of body wash from the store that had come in with my groceries, a scent I’ve never used before, a smell that wouldn’t trigger unnecessary memories, the previous days I had used the same bar of soap that she had bought me…that smell once earthy and sweet, was dim, and filled with gloom and sadness…so no more…the bathroom was the next place to be reclaimed…no maintained…to throw out any pointless broken pieces of soap that never got cleaned up because I stopped seeing it as an issue…I got comfortable…no more “it’s your mess you clean it up” being in the back of my head…it’s just a mess…do the right thing.

Cleansed once again…not feeling as much despair, still heart broken, but not grieving as hard, not spiraling as much, not trying to live for another person or hide away in shame when I can’t meet their expectations, but living for myself meeting my expectations no matter how small they might be. It’s not about making giant progress daily…it’s the little things…the little amount of growth that stacks with time until you start to not recognize how much you’ve grown…that the person in the mirror after that shower smiles back…instead of looking back in despair.

Afternoon

I may have forgotten to eat a meal immediately at lunch time…but I noticed that this is a similar sense of euphoria I got when gaming with friends and was having a good time and I would forget to eat…not in an unhealthy way but because the laughter, and joy I was feeling was just that much greater than the food noise…and surprisingly I wasn’t “hangry” and now I’m not either… because I’m simply writing…while enjoying that morning cup of coffee that got a little bit cold in its pot because I was doing all the right things first….Joy…I don’t remember the last time I said that about something that I was doing…sure I enjoyed gaming with my friends while I was in my relationship…but it wasn’t joyful…it was shameful…but still I was hitting my dopamine fix…while I was single I didn’t feel ashamed for gaming as a hobby I didn’t beat myself up, tell myself I was wasting my time, because I wasn’t…I was building friendships, or holding onto ones that I had already created…It was a community outreach to family members that had their time consumed with kids and a wife but when they had the time to get on, we had a blast…but now finally once again…I believe I’ve found at least this sense of joy again…writing to myself…healing myself…not feeling ashamed in doing something that I am finding out that not only do I enjoy but I’m starting to love to do.

Reaching out to old friends

I reached out to old friends, some I apologized  to that I neglected because I felt like the only person I should find my happiness in and from was the people I connected with while gaming or from her, and even then I wasn’t finding happiness from the friends and family I was gaming with because that wasn’t the point to find it from them…it was the fact I was socializing in a setting without feeling any shame in doing so…because I could recognize in myself way back when that I needed to clean, or get stuff done, or get some work done professionally or on myself before really committing to a game with friends…it was social…so now I sit here reaching out to old friends maybe to rekindle some sort of connection, maybe to hear from them instead of trying to text her…maybe to replace or rewire my brain a little bit and allow myself to find great connections and conversation with other people outside of her…

Maybe someone will want to talk about my game that I played that day, maybe someone will want to talk about the things I write to myself, or maybe someone will want to listen to the words I speak with an open ear…an honest ear…

Because I know I thrive and live for human connection…because well…I’m human after all…not a robot…a black hole of chaotic emotions that sometimes expose themself…I’m a person…and yes I have healing to do…lots of healing…I’ve got goals to reach, but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to feel attractive…to feel wanted…needed…because that’s human…

So here I am trying to remind myself that there are millions of women out there, the cliche, plenty of fish in the sea…and I don’t have to commit to someone, or rush into something, or “fall in love” with the idea of falling in love…but healing and showing up for them the way I show up for myself…they don’t deserve someone who can’t show up for themselves…and I don’t deserve that either. 

I believe I was talking to my sister the previous night when feeling panicked, and she told me a line from scripture that I always would tell myself as a kid, or in high school, or even college. “You shall love your neighbor as yourself”…I’m not extremely religious if at all…I once gave myself to Jesus when I was a young kid…without really knowing what it meant…and to this day I’m not extremely faithful…or well spiritual…maybe that needs to change…not necessarily believing in Jesus or God…but at least maybe some pieces of scripture…because it’s true, if you love your neighbor as yourself then how are you supposed to love yourself if you’re judge your neighbor…ultimately you are judging yourself, if you are being spiteful, it’s because you are spiteful to yourself, if you are casting shame on them it’s because you too are shameful…

So maybe this is a way for me to test myself…to test how far along my growth will take me…to love myself so that I can love others…and not just in words…but in action. No more empty promises of hope…no more promises at all…just act, commit, and don’t take the little things for granted. Love is a job…and it’s the first job we are born with…to love one’s self.