02/19/2026

I feel so alone…emotionally starved…my nervous system continuously breaking and I’m left picking up the pieces for it to just keep breaking…it feels like the goals I have to look forward to are becoming less and less powerful and motivating to achieve…maybe because I was never really doing them for myself…maybe I was always doing them because I wanted to prove her wrong that I could be someone better than she thought…but now…I feel like I no longer care to prove her wrong…

Which has left my feeling emotionally dysregulated…using that “toxic” energy to fuel me this past month and a half nearly 2 months…and yet…emotionally I feel back at square one…even with all of my therapy…with my reflection…it feels like I’m just broken…like my baseline as a human being for emotional regulation doesn’t exist…as if I’m in a basement all alone…waiting to be saved…

Even if I do reach out to family members to talk…the moment the conversation ends…the one in my head begins again…my shameful voice in my head trying to put me back in my vegetated state…

Maybe I’m still afraid of what it means to love myself…what kind of caverns do I have to explore to heal this heart of mine…this mind of mine…I don’t know if I’ve ever truly loved myself…I’ve only really ever tried to think of the immediate of tomorrow…but living with her made me dream…being with her made me dream…and now that fantasy is gone…and now I’ve also have started to lose sight on what my future needs to look like without her…but my mind is breaking…every day I want to be able to reach out to her…hear her laugh…feel her touch…listen to her day on repeat…

I don’t know how to keep taking these steps forward…even the small wins by doing the right thing that day have become numbing…even doing things out of pure discipline or willpower has me wanting to crawl into a cave and wait till the sun swallows the earth…and I know I’m not alone in these feelings…this is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life…and up until this point I’ve always tried to out game the system…look for ways to work smarter not harder…look for ways to take shortcuts…and now I think it’s finally caught up with me…this journey that I’m on has only one path…and there are no easy ways out of it…

My self-confidence is shot…even though physically I’ve become so much healthier…mentally I feel so broken still…but maybe the results are just slow to show…and I was just hoping for this pain to ease…I know that I don’t want to feel like this forever…I want to feel loved, I want to be able to love someone so strongly they don’t have to second guess or ask or feel anxious around me…I want them to feel emotionally safe around me…

I need to regain sight my on original goals again…the man I want to be…not for anyone but myself…the husband I want to be…for the woman that will want to choose me everyday and I her…the father I want to be…for the children I so desperately dream of to look up to me to be able to feel the love I wish I had when I was young…the love I wish I had today.

Here’s to giving myself a little bit of grace…and trying my best to do a little bit better tomorrow.