Day 18

02/14/2026

I took a trip today that started bright an early…hiking pack ready to go, water filled…hiking boots on…and with my car keys in hand I set out for a long drive to visit a canyon I had been wanting to see for a few months now…it was a bitter sweet moment of evolving to be confident enough to travel by myself to a place I’ve never been…I couldn’t help but feel the entire way there that something was missing…her joy on a road trip…her laughter…her constant questions about what we had planned or what exactly we were going to see would fill that confined space with such excitement…

The drive started out shaky with storms all around me…it felt like I was driving in a monsoon, and her voice appeared in the back of my head that the drive might be too scary…to turn back go another day…maybe it wasn’t her voice at all…maybe it was my own…but I pushed through…and as the storm fell away as I kept driving…fog emerged with sunlight beaming in the distance…the sunrise alone made me want to stop my car on the side of country road to fill my soul…but I had to keep pushing on…after of course taking some quite dangerous photos from my camera…

Soon the canyon came into vision music softly playing…and my determination to complete a hike had never been greater…it felt like I was reviving a piece of myself that had been lost…a piece of curiosity deep within that wanted to explore and adventure the world within my own power…I had always waited to go and adventure with others because to me exploring with friends or family…or her was always so much better…but I had some sense of peace and solitude as I began parking at the trail head…that this was my adventure…to conquer and come back and share with others…it was something I had to prove to myself…to evolve that scared little boy that was within me…to teach him that his curiosity and spirit for adventure isn’t something to hide…

The hike was long…but the day was cool sunny with a clear blue sky…it felt as if I was brought to this moment from a higher power…the universe…God…whatever one might believe in…the morning that had started out dark…uncertain if I was going to be able to make it…with rapid storms around me…to this moment…one of peace…almost like a metaphor being lived in real time that my life just a couple months ago was nothing but gloom…but now it’s anything but…and at the summit of my hike I saw what life could provide me if I just simply take a step forward into the unknown…to not be afraid…to not be paralyzed by my own fear…I saw beauty with my own eyes…I was surrounded by people experiencing the same thing as I did…but some how I felt alone as if I was the only person there…It felt like I had finally found myself again…that this is who I was meant to be…an explorer of the world…connecting with myself…and thousands of others who had stood at the same spot I was standing…who sat on the ledge without fear of falling…for what felt like the first time I had found beauty and solidarity within myself…and I couldn’t wait to tell my story.

After the hike was finished…exhaustion crept in…my mind on nothing but getting more water and some fuel…to start my long trek back home…I couldn’t help but start to feel lonely…because it was an adventure that I wish I could have shared with her…that I wanted to share with her…that I had mentioned time and time again but never actually made the time…until she was gone…the drive back flashed at the blink of an eye…my mind was preoccupied by countless thoughts about where I needed to go in life…missing her…wanting to be able to let her go…wanting to move on…but also not…I don’t want to shut her out of my life as if she never existed because I do still love her…even more so I would not be the man I am right now if it were not because of her, my imperfections so clearly shown…and now I finally am able to use that as fuel to make the changes in my life that I want to see…to evolve…

So here I sit alone back at home…alone…proud of myself that I had done what probably many of my family members would have thought impossible…what I had thought would be impossible…not a changed man…maybe just a slightly better one…a more adventurous one…willing to take on a challenge head on with nothing but half a plan…because that’s all I really need…guidance either from my self or others…not certainty, but courage to be able to take that step forward into the unknown and allow for life to show it’s beauty. I pray that others are able to find that beauty within oneself…within others…no matter how hard the struggles they may be facing…find that beauty that life has to offer…because if you just take the chance…it’ll offer itself to you in abudance.