I wore my heart on my sleeve for most of my life…and was rejected for doing so…I learned to avoid my emotions as a way to survive…but the little kid inside me was still very much emotionally anxious…anxiously attached to my loved ones…always looking for reassurance for my own self worth from others…from you.

I’ve asked myself plenty of times this week about the kind of man I want to be and I know who that is…and I’m on my path to growing and being that man…not changing…but growing…

I’ve also asked myself plenty on why I was afraid to commit to you…sure I proposed…but those are just words…much like these…the ones I’m saying now…but commitment is much more than just being engaged or married…it’s a partnership…it’s work…and I always knew that but I think the one emotion that comes to mind is that I was afraid. I was afraid to commit 1000% to you because that meant putting in the work to resolve issues that I hadn’t yet resolved within myself…I was afraid that it would have revealed to you that I was still just that little boy pretending to be a man…that you would see me as a failure…an imposter.

I don’t know when that fear will begin to be resolved…but I do know in my heart of hearts that I do love you, that I want to us build a life story not just a love story…that I promise to continue growing…that I need to earn the trust within myself back and then maybe you can begin to trust me too.

I’ve also have reached the point where I feel ready to move on from us and close the chapter…but I know for damn sure that I would regret it in my every fiber of my being if I didn’t at least ask for one last chance at something I believe is magical, beautiful, and what feels like a 1 in a trillion chance of us coming together and finding something this special within each-other.

If you’re not ready right now to make that commitment but you do know in your heart of hearts that I’m your person and you want to choose me, but you I just need more time to figure your own emotions out…then so be it, I’ll continue working and growing on myself and I’ll be here when you’re ready.

If not. Then that’s okay. It just wasn’t meant to be…but at least we had a wild ride getting to this point, and memories I hope we both will cherish forever…and memories that will help us grow into the people we want to be.