Day 16

02/08/2026

I couldn’t get her out of my head. I was stuck in my thoughts laying hopelessly in bed…praying…pleading that she’d reach back out…but it’s only been a week since she last left again…her sense of time is beyond mine…for her a week can feel like multiple…so maybe she’s already moved on from me…for me this week has felt like each second was a minute…an hour…as if time had stopped to allow me to sit in my pain for longer than I can reasonably handle…

My brain is racing through memories…and now even starting to create new ones and conversations that never were. Dreams of her and I talking and her leaving…I ask her in this dream if she wishes to talk…and she just sits silent staring at me like I don’t belong…in my own dream…maybe subconsciously I was wishing that she hates me…because subconsciously I still hate myself….

I understand the need to continue growing…I get it…it feels great that I’ve continued to lose weight, work has been on the up, my emotional awareness is growing and I’m working on it more and more, but I can’t help to feel doing this for myself is wrong…maybe that’s what’s wrong…I’m finally doing something truly for myself? Or maybe I’m still doing this for her? I used to try and be appeasing as best as I could…which is exactly what she was afraid of at the beginning of our relationship…that I would roll over to her large personality, to try and appease her, to be a nice guy rather than a good man…

I need to strengthen my values…I need to stand firm and how I truly feel…which in all honesty is angry…I feel angry at myself…at her…for not wanting to see this through…not wanting to fan the flame with me that we had just reignited…and now it feels like it’s…been snuffed out.

How could I ever allow someone to embrace me again when it feels like they don’t want me…how could I ever allow someone to enter into my heart when they clearly just want to leave…how can I allow someone to enter my space, my peace, my mind…when it feels like I never existed to them…

Maybe I only wish I never existed to her because maybe it would have been easier…but life isn’t easy…neither is love or relationships…they require hard work…and I’m someone that tries to work smarter not harder through most things in life…I’m beginning to see that the smarter thing to do…may have been to just work a little harder to do the small things right. Not perfectly…but at least try…

I pray for strength…for courage, for hope that I will find the light and be able to continue walking my path, I pray that she finds happiness within herself, that she can find peace in this confusing turbulent time.