Day 14

02/03/2026

It’s been nearly a month since I’ve started this journey…and I feel like I’m back at square one…questioning my existence…reflecting unhealthily…wishing I could turn back time…maybe it’s just a battle that I’m facing with my internal self…my old self and the person I’m trying to be…not to mention her and I rekindling faint embers of our passion and love for one another…it feels as if I gave in to a spark of hope…to be able to see her and hold her once again and for us to reignite talks about a future with one another…I knew she wanted to continue working on herself…and I thought we could do that together…but clearly not…once again she is gone…or I think she is…she told me we could talk occasionally and still go on the dates I had planned out a month in advance…but should we?

If she truly wants…needs to heal…to grow…would us seeing each other anymore past this point just be us walking back into our bad habits…would we actually have grown at all by these points…we discussed going month by month…day by day…but what does that even mean? Are we trying to find a way back to one another?

If I truly want…need to heal…how can I do that with this aching sensation in my heart when she’s not in my life…this grief…this pain…makes it feel impossible…am I addicted to her love? her attention? warmth?

What am I healing…bad habits…paralytic inaction to just do things…the right things…triggers that resurfaced once finally living with someone…how long does it take to heal these things? I don’t know if I’ll ever be “healed”…but I want to be able to try…and maybe she won’t notice that I am trying…that I am putting in the effort…maybe there will be no amount of time to heal our relationship…because maybe she resents the fact that I’m doing this work now…instead of during our relationship…I refused to…because I didn’t see anything wrong…until the moment she decided she wanted to leave…maybe I just need to live with that and begin moving on…and allow life to take its course…it’s a bitter sweet pill to try and swallow…but focusing on her at this point is only causing me pain…

Do I run from this pain…probably not…I need to be able to grieve…but I can’t be paralyzed from it…I need to be able to grow and heal…but the future feels like a dense heavy fog…suffocating my every breath…I’m beginning to realize that I relied so much on her brightness…her approach to life…her ability to have fun basically no matter where she was…

I feel like I need to focus on one thing at a time…my next step in my journey…what’s the first thing I need to try and become…instead of trying to heal everything all at once…I need to prioritize the right thing…and that’s more than likely becoming more reliable. A reliable man. Someone that can get things done when I need them to be done…when someone that depends on me needs them to be done…so here’s to tomorrow…here’s to the next step…the next day…focus on the immediate future…the tomorrow…and conquer it with the best that I can…to try and live…to find peace and be okay with small improvements day by day.