Day 13

02/01/2026

Once again I feel like I fell into a bad habit…fell back into naivety. We spent the weekend snowed in together…for better or worse. I thought for the better…I felt good about the progress I was starting to make and show within my own journey…even if it had only been a month…she had other feelings…not that she wasn’t proud of the steps I was taking…but she didn’t want to so easily trust me again…it hurt…but not just because she was saying it…but because I knew it to be true. She felt like it was maybe a mistake to have rekindled things because she hadn’t given herself the time to grow and heal from her past enough…our past…from ending our engagement…which most definitely took a toll on her…

Maybe us rekindling so soon was a step back…how can I even tell…it felt comfortable with her back in my arms…but also uneasy…because I knew I still needed to work on myself, and with her there and the storm icing us in my routines had been slightly discombobulated…not to the point where I was going to go into a slump of not going to the gym or not focus on myself by any means…but I believe she felt like she would fall into comfort…complacency…fall into bad habits herself again and worry about me instead of herself…

Maybe it was a step back…maybe I should have told her no when she asked for my help…to come over…to go on a date…but that’s not who I am…nor who I want to be…I wanna be someone reliable…I want to be loved…To be seen, and she made me feel those things in those moments…but I also don’t want to feel used either…but was I? Was I used? Was she in a rough spot and needed a breather…and I was someone…somewhere that felt safe in the moment? Maybe that’s what it was…just a moment…

It’s hard to read people you love because it’s always done with rose tinted glasses…I’ve tried to not read into too much of what she says but take it at face value and learn from her actions…but it feels like she’ll express something in one moment, and then in the next moment regret it…or feel the need to rehash it but with a sense of urgency…more emotion…but to me it feels like…felt like…she’s at a pass in the road…to move on from me…or to see me for who I am and want to choose me…to love me…and I don’t believe she wants to see me…or at least…can’t…because I lost her trust…

I also understand that only time will tell…but it feels like the more I grow alone the more I grow apart from her…and I don’t want to grow alone…but also…I wasn’t trying or at least attempting to do better in our relationship during the last few months that I felt hopeless…depressed…stuck…maybe she can’t forgive me…it’s hard to even forgive myself for not waking up from my despair during those months that led up to our downfall…I was naive…and maybe I still am…maybe I love to easily…forgive to easily…forgive others too easily…yet for some reason it’s almost impossible for me to forgive myself…

Every fiber in my body hurts…aches…as my inner battle between who I was just a month ago is fighting with who I am trying to become…God I want more than anything to be a great father…a great husband…maybe this past week and a half was a mistake…maybe this was more than just a step back…but a step back from what…from her maybe…us…was it a step back from my goal of wanting to become a husband…is she the one? I hear endlessly that the one is someone who chooses you and that you choose…but it felt like she was choosing me…but then she told me she wanted to choose herself…to heal…to grow…to learn and she can’t do both at this time…because her trust in me was gone…and maybe that’s too tall of an ask…maybe…it hurts knowing that I could see a life with her…growing old…with kids and grandkids by our sides…family photos, vacations, sickness, arguments…

Maybe she resents me still…maybe she wishes I grew to see my mistakes sooner before she had to make the hard decision to end our relationship…the ending that made me wake up and realize how broken…how far off from being a healthy human I was…maybe no matter how much I grow…learn…maybe no matter how much I begin to love myself for who I am as a man…maybe she won’t love that man…so yes…maybe it was a step back from my goal of becoming the best husband I can be…the best father…the best partner…the best person…maybe I too need to be selfish as she wants to be…not in any negative way…but selfish in the sense of showing up for myself in the best ways possible. Maybe all I need to do right now…is the next right thing…another step forward…another day lived.