Day 12 – 01/26/2026

I haven’t written in some time mostly because I’ve been obsessing over writing daily…which probably wasn’t the healthiest however, I still believe it’s what saved me. I no longer feel the emotional need every morning to distract myself by writing out my pain…because for the most part the intensity is gone. I’m very much still enjoying my journaling, but I’ve also become much busier with work, my physical health in going to the gym and getting in walks, as well as my emotional health and going to therapy.

I no longer feel alone, because I’m finding peace within myself and who I am. No longer feeling shameful about my hobbies because that’s what they’ve become again…a hobby. No longer having a voice in the back of my mind telling me that I’m missing out if I’m not online with friends/family…because if all I do is listen to that voice then I neglect and miss out on the things that probably matter most…my own health and well being…I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this previously a million times about focusing on myself and growing…because if I can’t show up for myself how can I expect to show up for others.

I feel like I’ve started fresh again after this New Year…it still pains me that my ex-fiancé felt the need to end things…but it was truly the right thing to do. I’ve, in a sense, have awoken to the patterns I’ve been stuck in and living in. I’ve been able to admit my faults not just to family, or friends, but admit them to myself…I don’t believe the lies anymore that I was telling myself that I couldn’t do something, or that it would be better if I was just alone for the rest of my life…

I may be a bit late to the whole new years resolution thing, seeing as how my life somewhat fell apart quite rapidly soon after the New Year…but here’s to new beginnings, shedding the mold that I put myself into, or allowed others to put me into… and allowing myself to be me again. Without the fear and stress of the outside noises that would come crawling into my mind.

I think one of the biggest fears this year, especially since my ex and I have rekindled some of our communication with one another, is that I don’t want to become complacent again…not that being comfortable is wrong…because you should be able to find comfort in the person you believe to be the one…your person…but I want to feel secure in life. I want to be open, honest, vulnerable, for myself…because that’s what makes us human…being ourselves, doing things for the betterment of ourselves…and then being able to share that journey with others. I want the ability to say if she wasn’t in my life that things would be okay…maybe a bit…okay a lot…duller but, I have the tools now to add color to my own life…and if she is willing then…to add our own unique colors to build a mural of our life together…

There really isn’t any time for walking backwards anymore from this point…sure I may still stumble from time to time, but I know I can get back up…I know I can survive, I know I can thrive. Moving forward, progressing in life, no matter how slow or fast at times…I know who I am…a little broken here and there…but I’m human…I’ve got emotions that send me to both what feels like vast, dark, unending caverns…and to the tallest mountain tops with the most breath taking view on life…and I’ve learned that both places have their own unique sense beauty…peace… I won’t have the answers all the time on how to climb out of the different caverns I’ll end up being in within my life…but I do know all I need to do is to turn on a light…no matter how small…and keep walking forward one step at a time…and next thing I’ll know…I’ll be back on that mountain top of life…