Day 10 – 01/20/2026

With the workdays becoming more busy I have less and less time to delve into my own head…of course there are still fleeting moments when my heart aches…I’m too busy to work within the emotions that I’m feeling towards my loss…I still try and find time during moments where I can breathe fresh air…but still my heart is quiet…I worry that I might relapse back into an emotionless ameba because I need to be able to focus on my work…

I know that I’m not even close to being done with my growth…yet without the pain agonizing me daily…my newfound motivation is based on pure willpower…through shear strength of my mind to correct myself and stand true on the path that I am on…that she helped me find…I’m finding closure and peace…but is that because I’m distracted by the needs of others rather than my own wants and desires…I do not wish to become complacent again…to become comfortable with a lack of progress ever again.

Maybe this is normal…I can’t just let my emotions over take me when I am still depended on to show up at my job, to show up for myself…to lead a fulfilling life…it’s only the beginning of the week and yet I’m already relishing the idea of a Friday afternoon/evening…how can one balance their inner peace throughout the work week to make sure their emotional needs are being met…I read…I write…I’m learning something new everyday about myself…yet it feels empty…meaningless…no not meaningless but just not as important then if I were living these days with someone…her…by my side…growing together…

I still believe it to be selfish to reach out…I believe I must still respect her wishes…but the temptation is greater than the pain I feel…I’m too busy for temptation…I must choose to continue to grow…little…by…little…step by step…If I truly wish to be with her again, I still require that I be doing the right thing…today…tomorrow…and the day after…for as long as my body and mind allow me to…I wish for her to see me in my best light…my true light…and not that pitiful boy hiding…I’m too busy to think about what could be and need to focus on what can…and I know I can grow…both become physically healthier and mentally stronger…more in tune with my emotions and to have them under control…to become calm, kind, and patient again.