Day 9 01/19/2026

She reached back out to me today, it felt as if the cold of the winter had vanished and the summer sunshine had poured into my apartment…but then I had to ground myself…not feel hope…but recognize that her words…although powerful…heartfelt, warm, kind, honest…do not change our trajectory of our lives. I would lie if I said they didn’t give me hope…I would lie if I said that I didn’t want to run back into the warmth of her embrace…of course I did…but I need to ground myself…I must still become the man I sought out to be…I still must grow and focus on the pain that caused me to be consumed by darkness in the first place…and none of my true pain was born from her actions towards me…I caused this pain within me…I alone…I was afraid to reach my hand out…to reach for help.

I’m not shaming myself or beating myself up, I’m truly trying to stand firm and honest within my own conviction to be able to grow as an individual. Would the pain feel lightened by the touch of her gentle hands against the roughness of my face…of course…but this is my pain to be burdened with…not hers. That’s what got us here in the first place…she placed the burden of how I felt on her own shoulders…and I let her…I let her drown with me in my own sorrows. So I stand with conviction in my heart, not to regain her trust, but to regain mine. So that I can trust myself to be dedicated to becoming a better person daily. So that I can become a man that I’m proud of every day even in the hard times to come. So that I can trust myself to reach out for help in times of need rather than sulking…no…sinking deeper within depression, shame, guilt, addiction…

If I want her back in my life I first have to hold true and want my life back…to take it back from the deep recesses of this tormented mind of mine….to take it back from the neglect I gave to myself…to take it back from the lies I told myself every day…I need to take my life back…to become honest…honorable…kind…reliable…one step at a time. One day at a time.