Day 8 (01/18/2026)

Yesterday felt like an eternity…my mind tormented itself as my thoughts wrapped around my neck like a python that had slowly slithered from the deep recesses of my mind…suffocating me…and like a phoenix rises from its ashes I felt a sense of relief…I called my brother and the mere presence of his voice had healed me…
I was saved…I was safe. We talked about my pain and his empathy warmed my cold office room even though we were 10s of miles apart talking over the phone.

He reassured me that I wasn’t a failure of a man…but that I had been failed by men in my past…our past…not to disrespect our long lost father but he wasn’t the most vigilant or attentive parent to our emotional needs as growing boys who were looking to their father for guidance. He reassured me that even though in this moment that I had been grieving that I had felt like my self worth had taken a plunge into the depths of a bottomless cavern…that I would find light again…that I would find myself again…and that I wasn’t alone.

He even mentioned that I’ve already taken the first major step, as all of my family members and friends that were helping me through this process had said, “You’ve reached out for help”. He and I have had a very similar shared experience where it felt like asking, or reaching for help was a sign of weakness or we were just afraid to do so…I still felt this way…afraid of the judgement of others during my weakest hours…but my family showed up…the family I was afraid of losing because I felt like a failure…saw me for who I was…not weak…but a human who has stumbled greatly within their path of life…and they were there to grab hold of my hand. Stand me up…dust me off…and say you’ve got this.

So today…I feel as if I’ve had an elephants foot lifted from my chest, that snake the coiled around inside my head sent back to where it came from…and I take today as just one more step into my future, to become a father, a husband, a partner. To become better everyday…and to say it’s okay to give myself grace if at times I stumble.

It no longer feels painful to reminisce on memories of her, she may no longer be waiting for the man I am today, but if life presents me with a gift of opportunity I want to make sure I’m a man that she could fall in love with again and again and again. A future where every waking day I’m showing up for not only myself, but my loved ones around me, for her, for the place I wish to call home, for life.

So I do not take this step lightly…and I do not take this step for the person she will grow to be while we are on our own separate paths…I take this step into my future with this feeling that my spark, my hope, my light, has been relit…faint, but filled with potential…I take this step for me, the broken man…learning to be whole again.