Day 7 (01/17/2026)

Today I woke up feeling great, as if my future was looking bright once again…got through a long workout, was chatting with friends normally without feeling the need to talk about the pain I’ve been going through…then it hit me like a truck. Grief, pain, hopelessness all over again. It was as if I was back at square one. As if once again I had been putting on a show for myself…or maybe it was a sense of relief…of freedom…a honeymoon phase that quickly burned to ash in my mouth.

I don’t want to be alone…how can I move past this ever growing hole inside my heart…my mind racing to the point that it feels like it’s on fire…I know I can survive day by day…but the future that I built within my head…has all but come crashing back into the front of my mind with a loud booming voice…”Look at what you’ve done…this future is dead…”

My mind once again feels like a wasteland…where my dreams go to wither…where I go to wither…I can’t help but ask over and over again…is there something wrong with me…I feel like I no longer belong…I feel like an outcast within my own body…my own mind…I feel like I don’t belong in my own skin…

No distraction can get me out of this mind of mine…I feel like I should have been out on this evening that I’m writing this with the love of my life…looking in her eyes and laughing…instead I look at myself…with that same feeling of shame…regret…hopelessness…

I need to get better…but how can I when it feels like no matter how many steps I take I stumble…over and over…how can humans endure such grief…such pain…and still put a smile on their face…time right now feels like an eternity. This week has felt like a month…and there are times I plead that I could wake up from this nightmare…

I need to get better…I want to get better…I want to heal, not just my current wounds that are heavily exposed…I want to heal all of these wounds that I feel…from deep within my past…that way I can continue moving towards my future…