Day 6 (01/16/2026)

I don’t know what’s going on anymore…I reminisce on moments we had together and I get annoyed at myself that I’ll never experience those with her again…but that feeling doesn’t last very long anymore…Maybe it’s because I’ve accepted the hard truth…but why does it feel like my heart doesn’t hurt anymore…am I emotionally closing out again…out of touch? Am I dismissing my own emotions internally as a way to survive? I don’t know…and I think that’s okay…but God I wish I knew.

Am I just broken? How could someone find peace after having such a whirlpool of emotions for what felt like forever…did I finally crack? Is my mind still here?

Am I normal? Is this how others process grief…or is this a sign of a greater issue? I could break the silence and reach out to here…but I fear that would push her away further…did I ever deserve her? She wanted to marry me and I her…but…why was it so hard for me to fight for just the basic necessities of life for myself…how could I possibly fight for her…better yet…how could I fight for anyone? Focus…I need to focus on myself…but it feels shameful because it feels like that’s all I did in our relationship “focus on myself”…but I wasn’t really…I was ignoring myself…ignoring my needs…ignoring my sadness, my depression, my happiness, my health…but did she know…probably…

What are my needs? Why was I sad? Why was I depressed? What makes me happy? What is my focus for my health?

I need compassion, empathy, patience, deep conversation, to feel like I’m learning…to be loved…
I need these things for myself…I need to remind myself where I’ve come from, what I’ve been through…

I need to understand why I get sad…the problem of the problem…but better yet…how do I react to this sadness…I shouldn’t run away from it anymore…I need to confront it head on…I need to learn to not just “deal with it” because the easiest way to deal with it in the short term is to suppress it…deep within…I need to learn how to healthily address my sadness.

Why was I depressed…probably because of how I was “dealing” with my sadness within my relationship…with her…with myself…with my job…with my physical and mental health…I was suppressing it…until eventually I started having stress induced seizures…I probably became depressed out of season because like Jim Carrey likes to say “Your body needs to be depressed. It needs deep rest from the character you’ve been trying to play.” And that’s exactly how I think I was acting in those moments, “I’m fine” nothings wrong…I was trying to pretend to be okay, that I wasn’t concerned about our engagement, that I wasn’t concerned about our wedding, that I wasn’t concerned about my physical health as much, that I would get to it eventually…I tried to pretend that I was happy with decisions…I pretended that I was okay walking away to my office when in reality I did want to be with her on the couch…I just wanted to be able to talk…but I stopped trying…or maybe I never knew how to initiate vulnerability with her…maybe I was afraid she would see my cracks finally starting to really show.

What makes me happy…honestly I’m a simple creature…good food, good quality time with family, friends, my loved ones, the feeling like I’m needed…wanted…which maybe that might have been a problem in itself…part of my sadness…I never felt like I needed myself or wanted myself…I looked for that from other people…when I should have been looking within. Companionship, and a story to share, a story to build with someone.

What’s my focus for my health…? Well I’ve probably already have discussed this already but I might as well repeat myself until I go blue in the face and I really reach my goal. I want to be able to enjoy this life for as long as I possibly can…and enjoy this life with the people I have in it…that I will have in it…with the family I dream of having…It may start with my body, being physically active, losing weight not most efficiently but the best I can achieve. It ultimately leads into my mental health…my mind…I need to take care of it just as well…I need to be learning…I need to try and stop forgetting as much…I should be able to keep track of time, I need to be able to not lose myself to my own mind, with the internal struggles.

I may no longer know how I feel to a 100% certainty if she was the one…I miss her…I miss just about everything…from the smell of her hair, the gentle touch from her hands across my chest or through my hair, the way she looked at me with such depth in her gaze…but now I know for 100% certainty I need to take care of myself…and well…control the controllable…focus on myself in the now, set myself goals for the future and take one step at a time to figuring it out and working through the problems that arise.

If she is the one…well I’ll let fate decide…because I think I know who I am now at least how I need to grow.