Day 4 (01/14/2026)

I don’t know if I’ve somehow managed to snap back into myself feeling like I’ve regained control on at least the controllable in my life…because I feel a calmness in my heart. I still feel a minor aching pain, a longing for what was there, an slight annoyance for how naive I was to my own emotions and the fact that I couldn’t express them to her…a slight sadness that the future that was built in my head was coming to a crash with no stopping…

However, I feel like I can accept it…accept responsibility for my actions and in reality inaction…which led me to this heartbreak. I can accept that she can both care for me and make the hard choice of leaving me to better her own life, because I was either not meeting her needs, or didn’t know how to. Sure, I was depressed during the time way before the break up and probably even right before…which is probably why it hurt so much…

So is it peace? Numbness? is my mind still broken and just trying to survive?

Why do I feel so at peace?

Did I truly love this woman? Or did I love the affection, the touch, the warmth of her heart, the memories, the noise? God do I miss the noise…
She would watch TV shows so loud that I could hear it from my office, and I could hear her laughter over the TV…it would bring me so much warmth that I knew she was having a great time even if by herself. She’d invite me in to see what was so funny, and at times I’d immediately bolt up and go…other times…I’d tell her “In a minute”…which in reality could be 5, 10, 15, or even 30 minutes…She probably felt abandoned…not fully but in those moments…unseen…unwanted…

So why do I feel so at peace?

Was I also feeling her pain before the breakup? Was I wanting out too and I just didn’t know?

I know in moments of reflection I felt very overwhelmed…it was the holidays, she had been what felt like bombarding me with emotions about her job, her events, her planning, our wedding…I’ve never done great during the holidays…it feels nearly endless…what gifts…where are we going to buy them from…who are we getting gifts for…what do we even want? Then the big families 4 different Christmas Parties all in a month…I felt shame when people asked me about me…I’d get home and feel shame that I wanted to be alone…and then when I was alone I felt more shame that I wasn’t spending time with her…I thought she wouldn’t want to see me like this…that I should hide away…but for nearly 2 and a half months of this…how could anyone deal with that? I barely could…but she stayed and just didn’t know if I would ever get better…but now I am…

I feel at peace because I’ve accepted responsibility for my own actions and lack of, I’ve started to learn tools on how to not just control my emotions, but how to express them. I’ve started seeking help rather than recoiling at the mere mention of it…

So why do I feel so uneasy about this peace in my heart?

Have I cried my last tear?

Am I emotionally overwhelming myself?

I don’t know…but I guess the best thing for me to do is keep on moving forward. Don’t look at was but what could be…what I could be…what I have to be…I have to be better…a better boyfriend, fiancé, husband, lover, creative being, human being…I have to be better to myself.

I think that’s why I feel at peace…because I know I can be better…

and I feel uneasy because…well…I’m human.