Day 3 (01/13/2026)

I fucked up royally with this woman…I was naive…yesterday thinking I was reclaiming my space yes…to make me feel comfortable again…but why did I feel uncomfortable in the first place…not just because she moved in…because I wasn’t vulnerable about how I enjoyed my spaces…I wasn’t open and honest I liked the fridge to be set up and to be orderly…I wasn’t open about how I would like more space in the bathroom to feel like I existed there still…even if a little bit…I wasn’t honest with her…I wasn’t honest with myself…

I fucked up royally with this woman…I was dismissive…I dismissed her emotions as her being overly emotional rather than seeing her as being vulnerable…she would say the next day or after eating food “Oh I must have just been crazy”…but maybe that was a sign…she was just didn’t want to accidentally push me away by being too emotional, she clearly had feelings that I had ignored and never returned to resolve…never to be heard…I dismissed her concerns because I felt like they were attacks, or harsh criticisms about my body or my health or my person…which felt hurtful…but really it was just a reflection of the truth I was seeing in the mirror…I was becoming a weaker man than I was previously…I was starting to fall and never sought help.

I fucked up royally with this woman…I was distant…I ran away when she became “needy” because I felt like I couldn’t satisfy her needs because they were too much, so I would run to my cave…but all she wanted was to be seen and loved…I ran away when she asked for me to plan date nights because that would mean I would have to find something to do that she too would love and I was afraid it would cost too much money or she wouldn’t like the thing I planned…which would feel like an attack on my person…but she just wanted to spend time with me…she just wanted to feel seen and loved…

I fucked up royally with this woman…I was emotionally numb…I wasn’t vulnerable because I no longer knew how to be…I felt shame because of my job and I would beat myself over the head with a club until it felt normal…which left me rendered emotionally inept…all she wanted was for me to open up about my feelings to reassure her that I loved her…that I even liked her…to show that I loved her and that I liked her…but…I didn’t even love myself…or know how to…I wasn’t showing up for myself…but she was…which made me feel scared because that means I would had to have confronted the kid hiding in that dark corner, paralytically silent, tears quietly running down his face…with the image of his mom and dad fighting…and him just surviving…

I fucked up royally…I started out as a egg in an incubation chamber when I had originally moved into my apartment alone…realizing my potential I started to grow confident and slowly began hatching…picking away at pieces of porous egg shell…I began realizing the life I was wanting to live the dreams I wanted to achieve, to then when I could look at outside my shell, I saw this beautiful magnificent bird fluttering her feathers…and at first I kept picking away at my shell so she’d notice me, and she did…she looked at me…and I slowly kept picking away at them…until I started to feel the warmth of my shell leaving as I picked away more pieces…and so I stopped…without realizing if I had just stepped out of my shell instead of retreating back in with what little warmth left it was providing…I would have realized the warmth of the world that was being built around me by this magnificent…majestic…beautiful bird…

I fucked up royally…

I fucked up royally…but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn from these things…it…it just pains me to not know will she look back at me…will I have grown for the better, but lost the one that was worth growing with…I can finally see that I’m in that messed up…broken shell…and me “reclaiming my space” might just be me putting back pieces of to resemble that of a ‘safe place’…Will I have grown enough for another…do I even want another…because she was like no other…unique…one of one…a beautiful soul, that had so much hope and saw life as a playground…where I saw life as a hamster wheel…because I had beaten myself into an emotional numb shell of a human…because I was naive to not look outside the cage I built and put myself in…

I fucked up royally…I don’t want her to see me as the emotional mess I am…but at the same time…I do…? I want to be vulnerable with her…I don’t want her to see me as depressed as I was…but I do…because she was gentle with me…confused maybe…but that was my doing…because I couldn’t find my own voice…instead it was shame, and contempt for myself…that inner voice that told me I couldn’t be any better, that I had reached my peak, that I was at my summit…and so I trusted it…and sat down…until recently the clouds have parted…and I see that my inner voice had lied…there’s still so much room for growth on this emotional mountain, this mountain called myself that I need to keep climbing…and I know this is a climb I must do primarily on my own…I know I can hear the cheers from friends and family…but it feels like something is missing still…I want her cheers too…her inspiration…her invigorating outlook on life…I want to be vulnerable with her and let her know how my journey is going…and I want to know how hers is too. I want to be vulnerable with her and truly listen again, truly see her again for who she is as this bright light of a person, a shining beacon of hope that rose from the ashes of a shadowy past…because I have that too…a shadowy past…and I want to be a beacon of light…for me…for her too…